So maybe you've gotten here because you did a google search for
'world's largest wang' and my name popped up. Maybe you're one of the
two people who used to frequent this site when it was the world's
largest online source for David Lynch slash fiction. Maybe you're the
FBI.

You may have even come here because you're one of the 200
people a day who do a google image search for asshole.jpg and find this
fine looking fella:

The above statement, by the way, is sadly a fact.

However
you find yourself at this quiet corner of the Internet, welcome. Now
that you're here, what the fuck is this? ipods and soap opera comics?
Huh?

Indulge me as we take a short trip back to the heady days of
2000. In those halcyon days, computer nerds were just coming out of
their bunkers, shock giving way to disappointment that Y2K didn't
happen, Britney Spears was still mildly attractive in the right light,
and terrorists were still comically inept foils for the Arnold
Schwarzeneggers and Jean Claude Van Dammes of the world.

And at Buckeye Donuts, on a corner of the bar where dirty ashtrays
mingled with colorful sprinkles, this Web site was born. Rocket
was working on a similar site, x-entertainment.com, doing video clips
of old He-Man episodes when he and I, and a few bystanders who I don't
remember and frankly don't give a shit about, began laying plans for a
magnificent new Web site that would redefine comedy.

Instead,
we decided on mediocre. And we had a good run for a while. At one point
our message boards had a respectable* two regulars. (Junior and Slacker, if
you're out there, come home. We miss you.)

After a few years, we
called it quits. Probably because Rocket is insanely lazy (he's the
only person I know who takes 12 minutes to blink) and I have a short
attention span.

Which is why I'd like to talk to you today about
hot chicks. Man, what gives? They're all like, ewww get out of the
ladies room and shit. Bitches.

No, wait. There's serious business
at hand. The new Web site. So anyways, a few months back after the same
12 or so articles had been up since 2003, Rocket suddenly got the
inkling (which is the metric unit for pecks. Standard conversion is
2.54 pecks to the inkling) to fire up the old site. And here we are.
New features, new look, new people, same old disregard for the basic
tenets of decency and sanitation.

Have fun, poke around. In the
next few months we'll figure out what the fuck we're doing and this
site will eventually, with a little hope, get three fans. For you math
majors, that's 180%. And that's what we, the staff at theredwire,
promise you with each and every article we write. Shitty math. Shitty
math and a skewed look at this flamin' hot ball of mud where most of us
live.

Keep reading, scumbags.

* Please note that in this instance I use respectable to refer to the number of regulars, not the regulars themselves.